I cry in solitude and I suffer in silence. One day, one week, one year, four. Tomorrow is not certain, maybe never more. Confused, consigned, reserved to fate. Future uncertain, no room for debate.
I feel unsteady, I don't want to write in prose. yet I don't want to speak too clearly, for fear of being fully exposed. The truth is like a flashlight that in all crevices can shine, but somethings I don't want to share because there are somethings I don't want to find. Loss is severe, but better quick than extended. Loss of self might be hardest if you are unable to end it. I can't stand the rain against my windows............
03/15/2011
Solitude and Mist
02/05/2011
Good Enough
Good Enough
Growing up
I wanted U 2 B,
proud of me.
2 brag about me, 2 stand up 4 me.
U didn't.
Was it because I was not good enough?
I wanted U 2 play games with me, 2 laugh with me.
2 tell me I'd grow up 2 B, the man you thought I could grow up 2 B.
But instead, what was it you'd see?
Did you already know, that I was not good enough?
I wished I was smarted. Like you.
Wished I was stronger. Like you.
Wished I was as good looking, as you.
I Wished I was a good speaker, because you were that to.
But each day confirmations to the opposite made me shrink inside.
If I could be smaller, I'd be easier to hide.
For who could Love someone as unfortunate, as me.
As ugly as me.
As stupid, as me.
If you couldn't see it, then surely that must mean.
I am not strong enough, not masculine enough, not funny enough, not handsome enough.
Not good enough.
Well that was me growing up. Just a kid needing love,
nothing new there.
Needing someone.
No, needing you.
To believe in me, so I could.
For all the times I never heard it then, I say it now.
Well done.
For all the times I never knew it then, I say it it now.
I am beautiful and worthy to be loved.
For all the times I never felt it then, I realize now.
I am special, I am funny, I matter and I make a difference.
I no longer strain to look for those things in your face.
Now, I am not waiting to hear these words fall from your lips.
For satey, I do not seek the solace of your embrace.
Because, now I know that I am smart enough.
I am strong enough, I am sensitive enough.
I am worthy 2 B Loved.
I am Good Enough.
.......but it would still be nice 2 hear it from U.
Alvin Michael Louis Agarrat
2/22/2005
(and oldie, but still a goody that I thought was worth re-posting...
A :)
07/27/2010
Coming to grips with the ATL
I am finally coming to grips with my being in the A. It's a great place, but a lonely space and lonely is an interesting place to visit, but not a great place to live.
My life has been on pause for a while. Actually it has been on pause since I left NYC. But I did leave NYC and now I have to make this place that I call home, HOME.
I have some new friends, so i have to truly foster those relationships. I feel abandoned by my old friends, but it is I who left them in New York, and not the other way around. I wish they would reach out more, but I don't know what their life journey is taking them through.
i was in a bad accident a few weeks ago, but now I am fine. I have anew ride, now I need a new lease on life.
Like they said in the Color Purple... I am here... I am here
lata,
A
10/22/2007
In2MeC (Intimacy)
Intimacy... what a funny word. After a retreat that I attended on this weekend, it holds a new and profound meaning for me.
I am Alvin and I'm checking in as Happy, at Peace and Renewed.
I went to "Big Canoe" in the mountains of Georgia over the weekend and spent a life altering 3 days with 11 other amazing black men. We all shared and purged personal demons, past hurts and long hidden secrets. The end result was a wonderful and cathartic spiritual cleansing. I feel lighter and more focused. I have 10 new spirits that I now feel connected to and that I wish to nurture our relationships and allow them to grow. I also have a renewed mandate to get my personal space in order and get out of my own way.
I've learned to begin to truly explore the way that my own past continues to control my present. I also realize now that I can no longer allow fear to keep me from being Present and in control of my life. It's a process that I'm determined to commit to and hopefully share to the brothers and sisters in my circle.
As I check out, I just want to say - "Nurture and take care of the child within and he will help you to grow and manifest into a Happy and Healthy adult"
Until lata.... I appreciate all who have touched my life and taken the time out to check in on me from time to time.
Love,
Alvin
09/15/2007
11/28/2006
11/05/2006
The Comfort of Strangers
Why is there comfort in the solace of strangers. Is it what they know or don't know that can place us at ease. How is their steely stare, searching for understanding, different than the cool stare of disapproval, neglect or disappointment.
Maybe it is that when we look in their eyes all the lack of a reflection does not have the sting of I told you so, the annoying habit of always being right, or the knowledge of past mistakes still repeated.
But once that stranger is stranger no more, then where to comfort do we seek. Does the stranger not knowing, what we do not allow ourselves to forget create this temporary space of sanctuary.
Better to face fire of heated debate with one close, than freeze in the chill of a distant and chance counselor.
So is there truly comfort in the solace of strangers? Yes... Maybe...
But there is safety at home. So choose wisely where you lay.
Forever,For Always, For Love
Sherman Kimbrough .......
Beloved Friend
11/03/2006
In Rememberance of Sherman
If I should die before I wake
My body, My money and My things you may take
For I am in Heaven, surrounded by Friends
My pain is now over and Real Living begins
Life filled with meaning and closer to God
And now closer to you, because I live in your Heart
But not like the blood that flows through your veins
I'm more like the Memory that resides in your brain
If you remember we laughed and remember we cried
If you remember at all
Then I never die
My body is but ashes to be spread across the sea
My body is gone now, but my body is not me
So until next we meet in Heaven
Cry not
For I am FREE
by Sherman Kimbrough and Alvin Agarrat
(11/03/2006)
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